Last week my husband, bless his heart he makes me take care of myself, made me make a doctor's appointment for my ongoing postpartum depression.
Backstory: The first of the year our insurance company, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of South Carolina, decided a lot of the medicines I take for both my asthma and my PPD were just not correct and made me either pay full price (Lexipro was almost $200 for a 30 day supply), or my doctor, who obviously, according to them, did not know what she was doing when she prescribed these life saving prescriptions, needed to put me on something else (aka, something cheaper for them to pay for than what I was currently taking). So, off the wonderful Lexipro I went, onto a generic form of another drug. This drug only took the edge off my PPD. It kept my panic attacks from exploding and becoming uncontrollable, but I was still weepy and anxious and very irritable. In a nutshell: it wasn't helping me much at all.
So, yesterday he accompanied me to the doctor's office and helped explain, from another view point, what was going on. I am now on Wellbutrin. I took one as soon as we filled the prescription at CVS, even though she warned us that taking later in the day (you are supposed to take it first thing in the morning) would likely result in my not being able to sleep at bedtime. (BTW, yes, I had trouble sleeping, but it was SO worth it!)
I feel so balanced out, emotionally. I was able to play with the two little ones on the bed last night, instead of freaking out that their antics were going make them fall off the bed and break something (yes, PPD makes me completely insane with anxiety over the stupidest thing). Freaking out usually leads to my extreme irritability, because of me feeling so out of control - like how I will sometimes cry if I get really angry at someone (legit angry, not PPD angry). I have personal control issues which the PPD figured out and ran with all the way to China and back.
Today has been even better, so far. Apparently, this is also used to treat ADD and ADHD (I went off Ritalin when we trying to conceive Rowan and just never had it re-prescribed because of the hassle), so I am also able to focus and retain some short term memory (I remembered several things for work I had forgotten about last night).
To summarize: This drug is, so far, completely awesome. So you can cancel that tailoring appointment I had for the white jacket with the extra long sleeves.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
What Ifs
Hubby and I were having one of those conversations this weekend. You know, the "what if" game. Everyone has these, right? Bueller? Bueller?
Topic of the day this time around was places to live. We love living in a small place like Hartsville. Hubby spent a good portion of his childhood living right here (he graduation from Hartsville High and got his Bachelors from Coker College). I, on the other hand, grew up in Charlotte, in a tiny little country part of the city (it was annexed into the city when I was in my late teens, nowadays it's pretty much citified and too big for its britches). I LOVE small towns. By the time we moved here I was totally hating the city I loved and grew up in. (Hubby likes to point out Charlotte is more of a "little NYC" than a "little Atlanta" nowadays.)
We occasionally talk about places to live when we're old. The beach is pretty much on both our plates, though some place like the Keys or even Mexico. But, this time, we were talking about somewhere to raise kids and work. He, of course, would be the instigator of any move we perform. He has to go where the work is, and, in the library world, that's limited to which systems would be willing to pay him a fair wage. For me, it would have to be somewhere I could raise the kids without fear of my surroundings. My work is virtual and I homeschool, so I can settle down just about anywhere.
On the other hand, we have done SO MUCH WORK to this house and the land it is on that it would be very difficult to let it go. Our peach trees have little peaches growing, for goodness sakes! How could we leave all of our baby fruit trees? Plus, what about the chickens? You can pretty much move anywhere with dogs and cats, but chickens are difficult in some parts of the USA.
Of course, if it is a wonderful opportunity for my husband, that's what matters. Material possessions are great, but it is family that counts. If he was offered something in the distant future (remember, this is the what if game, not something to be actively pursued) then I would follow him to the ends of the earth. He is what matters, not chickens, not peach trees, not unfinished and finished household improvements.
So, it's your turn to play. What if you SO was offered a job somewhere else? Where would be your ideal location?
Topic of the day this time around was places to live. We love living in a small place like Hartsville. Hubby spent a good portion of his childhood living right here (he graduation from Hartsville High and got his Bachelors from Coker College). I, on the other hand, grew up in Charlotte, in a tiny little country part of the city (it was annexed into the city when I was in my late teens, nowadays it's pretty much citified and too big for its britches). I LOVE small towns. By the time we moved here I was totally hating the city I loved and grew up in. (Hubby likes to point out Charlotte is more of a "little NYC" than a "little Atlanta" nowadays.)
We occasionally talk about places to live when we're old. The beach is pretty much on both our plates, though some place like the Keys or even Mexico. But, this time, we were talking about somewhere to raise kids and work. He, of course, would be the instigator of any move we perform. He has to go where the work is, and, in the library world, that's limited to which systems would be willing to pay him a fair wage. For me, it would have to be somewhere I could raise the kids without fear of my surroundings. My work is virtual and I homeschool, so I can settle down just about anywhere.
On the other hand, we have done SO MUCH WORK to this house and the land it is on that it would be very difficult to let it go. Our peach trees have little peaches growing, for goodness sakes! How could we leave all of our baby fruit trees? Plus, what about the chickens? You can pretty much move anywhere with dogs and cats, but chickens are difficult in some parts of the USA.
Of course, if it is a wonderful opportunity for my husband, that's what matters. Material possessions are great, but it is family that counts. If he was offered something in the distant future (remember, this is the what if game, not something to be actively pursued) then I would follow him to the ends of the earth. He is what matters, not chickens, not peach trees, not unfinished and finished household improvements.
So, it's your turn to play. What if you SO was offered a job somewhere else? Where would be your ideal location?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Weekly Winners
Building Fences
Azaleas in Bloom
Toy Interrupted
Guardians of the HVAC Unit
For more on Weekly Winners, go see Lotus at Sarcastic Mom.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Faux Post Saturday
Hey, ya'll.
Rogan will be home between 11 and midnight Friday night after being gone for three days, so I probably will be MIA from most electronics this weekend.
So I offer up a post I did last year for The Sexy Nursing Bra. Enjoy.
Rogan will be home between 11 and midnight Friday night after being gone for three days, so I probably will be MIA from most electronics this weekend.
So I offer up a post I did last year for The Sexy Nursing Bra. Enjoy.
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Rise and Fall of a Mother
Do you know what the hardest thing has been for me since I stopped "working" last year? It's actually a combination of things. 1) Me time, even though it was just spending 2 hours driving one way to work and back; 2) Being able to speak to adults about the work we were doing on a daily basis. Work was stressful, yes, but it was very fulfilling.
When we decided it was ok for me to start staying home with the kids, and pull the teenager out of high school to start homeschooling her, I had all these grand ideas. I was going to raise chickens (did this) and have a HUGE garden to cook and can from (various success with this endeavor). I was going to be able to sit down at the kitchen table with the teenager and we were going to LEARN things (yeah, can someone help me crowbar her out of the bed, please?). The two little ones and I were going bond, the way the teenager and I had done when she was a wee thing (they could usually care less if I were in the room, unless I'm trying to do something). I was going to keep the house spic and span (snorts wine out of her nose) and the laundry would always be up to date (looks at mountain of cloths). I was going to make the bed every morning and get up in time to fix my husband breakfast before he left for work in the morning (I did, a few mornings, when I could get my eye lids to stay open and focused that long).
Rogan warned me from the beginning that these ideas of mine were dangerous to my sanity and just would never work, that I needed to scale down and be more realistic in my goals. (Ok, so he liked the breakfast idea. Too bad, eh?)
I soon discovered trying to keep an eye on two babies and keep a teenager straight may have been getting in over my head. I had thought I could get outside and garden and they would play and life would be perfect. When this turned out to be anything but the case, my postpartum anxiety getting the best of me and I was usually too afraid of the world to take them outside and my garden wilted after the black lab ate most of the plants anyway and the teenager turned out to be...well....a teenager, it became a bit much for me and I relied very heavily on my postpartum drugs. Instead of taking every few days, I was taking a pill every day of the week.
Then, I started gaining weight. Oh, boy did I pack on the pounds. (I have only recently discovered the Zoloft I was taking for my postpartum anxiety attacks was the cause of the weight gain - I had my thyroid tested and was starting to come up with all kinds of medical problems, since I don't over eat and sweets and junk food are treat around our house.) The weight gain seriously impacted my self esteem. The girls started to be too much for me with my panic attacks and I started shutting us off in our bedroom for most of the day (can you say cycle of problem after problem?).
Then, one day, I was chatting on Twitter and someone advertised for a virtual assistant. I thought, why not? I wasn't looking for a job, but it might help take my mind of my anxiety and make me feel better about myself if I was able to actually ACCOMPLISH something everyday. Rogan agreed with me, so I answered her call.
I ended up getting the job, for ten hours per week (I paid the teenager to watch the little ones while I worked). There was also the knowledge that this could be even more hours down the road, if I did well. I was ok with that possibilities.
So, now I am a work at home mom. I have moved up to about twenty hours per week. The teenager still watches the little ones for pay - though she has no patience with them and this worries me immensely. So I am considering if I get more hours and a pay raise of putting them in half day preschool.
Preschool. This brings us full circle. I would no longer be with my girls. Someone else would be helping to raise them (this being the main reason I started staying at home in the first place). Not to mention, I don't vax so would have to find someone in this town who would watch them without them - I would consider getting them started, if I had to, as I feel they may be big enough to do a slower schedule of vaccinations, but I really don't want to be forced to make that decision.
So, here we are again. Full circle in guilt.
I have come to the conclusion that, as a parent, there is nothing you can do that will not inspire guilt in you when it comes to your kids. Work full time? Guilt. Stay at home and it not be paradise? Guilt. Work a bit from home? Guilt. Work at home even more and put them in daycare? Yet more guilt.
So, my question to you moms who seem to have it all together....how do you do it? And can you teach me?
When we decided it was ok for me to start staying home with the kids, and pull the teenager out of high school to start homeschooling her, I had all these grand ideas. I was going to raise chickens (did this) and have a HUGE garden to cook and can from (various success with this endeavor). I was going to be able to sit down at the kitchen table with the teenager and we were going to LEARN things (yeah, can someone help me crowbar her out of the bed, please?). The two little ones and I were going bond, the way the teenager and I had done when she was a wee thing (they could usually care less if I were in the room, unless I'm trying to do something). I was going to keep the house spic and span (snorts wine out of her nose) and the laundry would always be up to date (looks at mountain of cloths). I was going to make the bed every morning and get up in time to fix my husband breakfast before he left for work in the morning (I did, a few mornings, when I could get my eye lids to stay open and focused that long).
Rogan warned me from the beginning that these ideas of mine were dangerous to my sanity and just would never work, that I needed to scale down and be more realistic in my goals. (Ok, so he liked the breakfast idea. Too bad, eh?)
I soon discovered trying to keep an eye on two babies and keep a teenager straight may have been getting in over my head. I had thought I could get outside and garden and they would play and life would be perfect. When this turned out to be anything but the case, my postpartum anxiety getting the best of me and I was usually too afraid of the world to take them outside and my garden wilted after the black lab ate most of the plants anyway and the teenager turned out to be...well....a teenager, it became a bit much for me and I relied very heavily on my postpartum drugs. Instead of taking every few days, I was taking a pill every day of the week.
Then, I started gaining weight. Oh, boy did I pack on the pounds. (I have only recently discovered the Zoloft I was taking for my postpartum anxiety attacks was the cause of the weight gain - I had my thyroid tested and was starting to come up with all kinds of medical problems, since I don't over eat and sweets and junk food are treat around our house.) The weight gain seriously impacted my self esteem. The girls started to be too much for me with my panic attacks and I started shutting us off in our bedroom for most of the day (can you say cycle of problem after problem?).
Then, one day, I was chatting on Twitter and someone advertised for a virtual assistant. I thought, why not? I wasn't looking for a job, but it might help take my mind of my anxiety and make me feel better about myself if I was able to actually ACCOMPLISH something everyday. Rogan agreed with me, so I answered her call.
I ended up getting the job, for ten hours per week (I paid the teenager to watch the little ones while I worked). There was also the knowledge that this could be even more hours down the road, if I did well. I was ok with that possibilities.
So, now I am a work at home mom. I have moved up to about twenty hours per week. The teenager still watches the little ones for pay - though she has no patience with them and this worries me immensely. So I am considering if I get more hours and a pay raise of putting them in half day preschool.
Preschool. This brings us full circle. I would no longer be with my girls. Someone else would be helping to raise them (this being the main reason I started staying at home in the first place). Not to mention, I don't vax so would have to find someone in this town who would watch them without them - I would consider getting them started, if I had to, as I feel they may be big enough to do a slower schedule of vaccinations, but I really don't want to be forced to make that decision.
So, here we are again. Full circle in guilt.
I have come to the conclusion that, as a parent, there is nothing you can do that will not inspire guilt in you when it comes to your kids. Work full time? Guilt. Stay at home and it not be paradise? Guilt. Work a bit from home? Guilt. Work at home even more and put them in daycare? Yet more guilt.
So, my question to you moms who seem to have it all together....how do you do it? And can you teach me?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday Confessions
Confession: I can't smile without him
Some of you may know my wonderful husband is away on business until late Friday night. (No, I'm not worried about announcing this, as I have three huge dogs who are sweet unless they feel our family is being threatened - then it's all Cujo till they go away.) He left Wednesday morning and it is the first time we have been apart in almost six years. Even when I was having the two youngest girls, he slept the entire time in the hospital with me.
I knew I would miss him, deeply. But, in the vast reaches of the back of my mind, I kinda felt this would be an ok time for me. He would be gone, we would miss him, but the daily grind would continue.
Ummm...yeah...that hasn't worked out...
I almost literally cannot keep my mind focused. I admit to being postpartum, but come on folks, the weepiness at missing him is almost embarrassing.
I have work to do on a big project for the boss and then a ton of yard work (I did finally finish getting the last of the seeds in the garden planted yesterday afternoon)...but my mind keeps going fuzzy. It's not that I am constantly thinking about him, it's just that my mind goes blank and I realize two or three minutes has past. (I keep having to adjust my work time for my timesheet lol)
He will not be until almost midnight tomorrow. I hope I'm still stable by then.
So, would you thrive or wither without your partner? Tell me what you would do.
Some of you may know my wonderful husband is away on business until late Friday night. (No, I'm not worried about announcing this, as I have three huge dogs who are sweet unless they feel our family is being threatened - then it's all Cujo till they go away.) He left Wednesday morning and it is the first time we have been apart in almost six years. Even when I was having the two youngest girls, he slept the entire time in the hospital with me.
I knew I would miss him, deeply. But, in the vast reaches of the back of my mind, I kinda felt this would be an ok time for me. He would be gone, we would miss him, but the daily grind would continue.
Ummm...yeah...that hasn't worked out...
I almost literally cannot keep my mind focused. I admit to being postpartum, but come on folks, the weepiness at missing him is almost embarrassing.
I have work to do on a big project for the boss and then a ton of yard work (I did finally finish getting the last of the seeds in the garden planted yesterday afternoon)...but my mind keeps going fuzzy. It's not that I am constantly thinking about him, it's just that my mind goes blank and I realize two or three minutes has past. (I keep having to adjust my work time for my timesheet lol)
He will not be until almost midnight tomorrow. I hope I'm still stable by then.
So, would you thrive or wither without your partner? Tell me what you would do.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Fences Make Good Neighbors???
Let me start off this blog post by saying I may not be the best chicken mom in the world. I love my chickens (they come and visit me in my office window in the mornings while I work), but they are a bit on the wild side.
My chickens are free range and we have over an acre for them to run around the yard. I started out just feeding them chicken scratch and keeping them in a pen. Let me tell you, the difference in the taste of the eggs since they roam and eat what they find is AMAZING. We have put up a four foot poultry fence (mainly, I will admit, to try to herd the wee ones rather than the chickens - it works better on the wee ones than the chickens, too) but they just fly over it or walk around in gaps they have found.
However, within the last month they have decided our yard just wasn't enough of a pecking ground for them. They started out by going across the street into the woods. They didn't go very far in, though. And since they really don't even go over there any longer I am going to assume they have a bit of brains and the snakes are starting to come out and play.
So, instead of the woods (which, come on, there would be plenty for them to eat there), they have been going across the street to our neighbor's yard. The dad of the house and their teenage daughter have recently put in wooden flower bed borders and started what I call "prettifying" their yard. (Mind you, I have nothing against the yard of the month crowd, it just isn't my style.) So he has been understandably not very happy about our nine chickens scratching around in his yard.
We had already decided, due to a very nasty neighbor who lives about three or four blocks from us who HATES our youngest dog (she calls him vicious, but seems to be the only one in our tiny little neighborhood who doesn't absolutely adore him), to put up some kind of fence to keep our animals inside our yard. This would also make it easier for delivery personel who aren't familar with our big dogs (we have to pick amazon deliveries up at the post office because our mail man will not get out of his truck). But we have had to really move up what we were going to do (Rogan is going to Michigan to present at a conference out of state on Weds) because while we were in Atlanta for my job this weekend, he told the teenager he was going to put rat poison in his flower beds if we didn't keep the chickens out of his yard.
We have been worried about the chickens bothering our neighbors. Our teenage girls played together when we first moved here, and still chat occassionally (they are very conservative and when our teen started dying her hair wild colours and getting nose rings and such, it wigged the mom out a bit I think). So we had sent the teen over about a week and a half ago to make sure the chickens weren't bothering them. The mom, who LOVES our dogs (they have two dogs of their own and several cats), said they were fine. Teenager said she was kind of neutral about the chickens (thus, another notch in our post of people around here thinking we are totally off our rockers...wait till we get the goats *evil cackles*), but not at all bothered by their presence.
So, it just sent in a tail spin when I heard about what the dad had said while we were gone. He is actually ok with poisoning our pets. If the chickens eat the poison, it is possible our dogs or cats could get into it.
But, what really bothers me, is what if there is the slightest possibility of the poisoning transferring to their eggs and the eggs making the wee ones sick??!! (Yes, that could be the postpartum depression anxiety talking, I don't know.)
So, we bought some of the supplies we needed from Lowes and have started building a chain link fence around our whole @!#$$% yard. (You should see me mixing and hauling the concrete for the posts in a wheel barrel, it's kinda sexy...not)
Gives it quiet the prison feel, doesn't it? Maybe if I paint it purple, or something....
My chickens are free range and we have over an acre for them to run around the yard. I started out just feeding them chicken scratch and keeping them in a pen. Let me tell you, the difference in the taste of the eggs since they roam and eat what they find is AMAZING. We have put up a four foot poultry fence (mainly, I will admit, to try to herd the wee ones rather than the chickens - it works better on the wee ones than the chickens, too) but they just fly over it or walk around in gaps they have found.
However, within the last month they have decided our yard just wasn't enough of a pecking ground for them. They started out by going across the street into the woods. They didn't go very far in, though. And since they really don't even go over there any longer I am going to assume they have a bit of brains and the snakes are starting to come out and play.
So, instead of the woods (which, come on, there would be plenty for them to eat there), they have been going across the street to our neighbor's yard. The dad of the house and their teenage daughter have recently put in wooden flower bed borders and started what I call "prettifying" their yard. (Mind you, I have nothing against the yard of the month crowd, it just isn't my style.) So he has been understandably not very happy about our nine chickens scratching around in his yard.
We had already decided, due to a very nasty neighbor who lives about three or four blocks from us who HATES our youngest dog (she calls him vicious, but seems to be the only one in our tiny little neighborhood who doesn't absolutely adore him), to put up some kind of fence to keep our animals inside our yard. This would also make it easier for delivery personel who aren't familar with our big dogs (we have to pick amazon deliveries up at the post office because our mail man will not get out of his truck). But we have had to really move up what we were going to do (Rogan is going to Michigan to present at a conference out of state on Weds) because while we were in Atlanta for my job this weekend, he told the teenager he was going to put rat poison in his flower beds if we didn't keep the chickens out of his yard.
We have been worried about the chickens bothering our neighbors. Our teenage girls played together when we first moved here, and still chat occassionally (they are very conservative and when our teen started dying her hair wild colours and getting nose rings and such, it wigged the mom out a bit I think). So we had sent the teen over about a week and a half ago to make sure the chickens weren't bothering them. The mom, who LOVES our dogs (they have two dogs of their own and several cats), said they were fine. Teenager said she was kind of neutral about the chickens (thus, another notch in our post of people around here thinking we are totally off our rockers...wait till we get the goats *evil cackles*), but not at all bothered by their presence.
So, it just sent in a tail spin when I heard about what the dad had said while we were gone. He is actually ok with poisoning our pets. If the chickens eat the poison, it is possible our dogs or cats could get into it.
But, what really bothers me, is what if there is the slightest possibility of the poisoning transferring to their eggs and the eggs making the wee ones sick??!! (Yes, that could be the postpartum depression anxiety talking, I don't know.)
So, we bought some of the supplies we needed from Lowes and have started building a chain link fence around our whole @!#$$% yard. (You should see me mixing and hauling the concrete for the posts in a wheel barrel, it's kinda sexy...not)
Gives it quiet the prison feel, doesn't it? Maybe if I paint it purple, or something....
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